I heard you flew away today.  It came as a surprise.  I didn’t even know you were sick again, and now you are gone.  I can’t imagine how you have suffered.  I can’t imagine how many tiny pieces your heart has broken into at the thought of leaving your children.  I can’t imagine how many tiny pieces their hearts have broken into today, or if they will ever be fully mended.  There are so many words I have seen to describe you today; special, lovely, kind, fun, beautiful and more.  All true.  I curse that it has been so long since I have seen you, as life got in the way.  If only I had known, I would have visited.  If only I had known I would have closed the gap since seeing you last.  If only I had known.  I didn’t know.  So I looked over the last lot of messages we sent each other.  There was no hint of illness then.  Only joy at what our children were up to, jokes about how busy things were, quips at our age.  Happiness, though.  You were happy.  Life dealt you many blows, and many blessings.  Your smile will be remembered always.  I can only say to you that I wish we had made a date for all the catch ups we planned and I wish you knew I cared and I wish I’d had the chance to tell you that.  But somehow, I know that you know how things are.  Your life was full of the same challenges as mine, and try as we might, the time for catching up never seemed to present itself.  We wanted to, and that seemed enough.  It was enough, because we knew we wanted to.

So, from now on, I will look into the beauty of all things around me.  I will think of you and your gorgeous sense of humour, the love you had for your children, the resilience you showed in the face of adversity.  When my challenges seem too big, I will think of you, and all those like you who have had challenges greater that I can imagine. 

I will not beat myself up over that catch up we never had, or the not knowing, or any of that.  You know how it is.  You get it.  I will not waste my energy on regret, but I will cry a little, because I am sad you are gone.

When I see the flowers sway gently in the breeze, I will smile for you.